Thursday, January 20, 2011

moving forward

Last year at this time I was getting ready to turn 36, my little Sloan was only 8 months old, and we were putting our house on the market.  Another year older, another baby growing up too fast, another move.  I remember what it was like to be excited about a new adventure all the while heartbroken about leaving what I felt was everything I had ever wanted.  Grandparents a couple miles away,  a best friend a phone call away from a girls night out, a neighborhood I couldn't have picked more wonderful if I had tried.  I had left Des Moines several times in my life, only to return again a little wiser, a little more appreciative of it, a little more needy of all it had to offer.  I wasn't going to come back after this move, of that I was sure, and I had a lot of conversations with God on why. 

I think I asked Him a hundred times why.  Why aren't we going to have the support of my family? Why aren't my kids going to grow up going to their Grandparents for Sunday night dinner?   Why am I going to have to do this all over again, and over again , and over again, when some people never have to leave the street they grew up on.  Why?  Why? Why? I was angry, I was pitiful and most of all I was scared.

Scared that I didn't have the strength both mentally and physically. Scared that my children wouldn't have enough people in their lives and most of all scared that it would tear my marriage apart.

God answered my why. Without apology(because he's God), and without a doubt. Every time I asked He answered "Because you can." The confidence I heard in him, well, even if I didn't see it in myself, made straighten up and stop crying.  He gave me my answer.  He wasn't giving me anything more than He knew I could handle.  If God knew I could do it, I was going to. 

I spent the summer wrapped up in the seven(are there seven, I can't even remember) stages of grief.  I don't know, it was just the healthiest thing I could do for myself, just mourn. I stopped being angry, my husband became my rock, and my children just followed our lead.

When I stopped asking why, I could finally hear God reassuring me that he would, with all that He could, provide for me the home I was looking for.  But, and he said this loud and clear, I was going to have to work, be in constant communication with him, and stop looking back if I wanted to move forward.

 He would not move us here just to watch us suffer, and with that I must be faithful.  Honestly I was a little intrigued with what He would do.  I was praying for the winning lottery ticket numbers, but what He is doing has been an even bigger miracle in this particular girl's life, although I am still going to pray for those numbers, just in case he has that in store as well.

I'm ending my story here, it's way past me bed time.  I'll be back to tell you the rest, at least the rest of the story that I know...


Elaine Williams said...

And I can't wait to hear the rest of the story. And actually, I hope to be part of that rest of the story. I love you and want to be more in your life!

Becca said...

Cliff hanger! I hate that...but cannot wait to hear the rest. I love you so much and am glad to hear that you seem to be getting some answers and moving forward...even if I miss you a whole ton back here. God works in strange and beautiful ways...I'm sure he has much in store for you and your family!

Kristin said...

Isn't God awesome! Sometimes He doesn't give us what we ask for but He always gives us what we need.